Added some new forms of payment to this store…
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there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’