People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
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We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
I once stayed at an AirBnB with a big sign above the sink saying to not spit in it. I stood there with toothpaste in my mouth for many minutes before finally spitting in the toilet. I still don’t know what they wanted us to do, and I will never forget.
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
I’d walk over cotton balls for you