GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
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*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.