Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
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Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”