The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
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British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
My patience has stretch marks.
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
January has been Januweary
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.