taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
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[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.