Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
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I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
fixed it
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh