nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
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Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
I don’t carry my wallet to work because I’m afraid someone will steal it while I’m sleeping.
sometimes when I don’t want to pay the $100 therapy copay I go to my friend’s house and talk extra loud until her husband who’s working on his psych PhD goes “do you mind if I say something”
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*