I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
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Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.