why would tinder want me to say this
You Might Also Like
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?