dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
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Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY