tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
You Might Also Like
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!