The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
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My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
Happy “Venmo Your Siblings for Flowers” Day
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.