Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
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I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon