Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
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Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
PARKOUR
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee