Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
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Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
When libraries troll their patrons.
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.