[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
You Might Also Like
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
The only equipped I am is ill.
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG