Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
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Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.