(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
You Might Also Like
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.