Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
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How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
Cause of death: Zumba
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
next question.
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*