Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
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[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?
Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?
Me: Yes.
Husband:
Me:
Husband: No, I did not.
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.