Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
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A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
I’m ready for Halloween this year
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that