I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
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That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
how high up are we talkin’?
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.