Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
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I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
how many bears make up a bear minimum
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent