My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
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Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.