Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
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(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”