*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
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Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
Breaking news:
“Huge”.
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
Omg 🤣
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.