How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
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At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
ugh not again
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.