I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
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I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.