A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
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But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
He a real one for that
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
God, I love Scotland
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie