BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
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Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
#dalle2
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
damn he’s good
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.