My work here is don’t.
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the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
If you know, you know
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
need a new bf mines broken 😐
checking out some reviews of my local library
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
That’s no pocket rocket.