me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
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ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
im 7 sauces long
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.