A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
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A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
I’m awake but I object,
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just QuĂ©bec
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.