Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
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I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”