alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
![]()
You Might Also Like
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
me when someone’s obsessed with me: yikes
me when someone’s not obsessed with me: wtf
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
My cousin started a group chat and I’m about 3 real questions away from them kicking me out.
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year