All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
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[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
my sentiments exactly
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.