90% of a relationship is figuring out where to eat
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“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
Helpful tip: Don’t write out your grocery list while watching a true crime documentary on a husband-murdering wife, or your husband might think you’re taking notes when he walks into the room.
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help