[Blackstreet Bakery]
Me: [watching the baker kneading dough] “I love the way you work it”
Baker: “No diggity?”
Me: “Baguette up.”
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Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
The struggle is real
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
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Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
Still cracks me up
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears