It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
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I love twitter
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
getting groceries
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
Xylophonist Shredding It
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one