I love dresses with pockets because I look like a fancy lady while also keeping my cheez-its accessible.
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Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.