If I were Tinkerbell, my pixie dust would be shredded cheese.
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I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
Beware…..
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
#Caturday
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor