I’m looking at the serving size of Laughing Cow cheese and I see why the cow is laughing.
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me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
She puts the hot in psychotic
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended