Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
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Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
*names my little horse OneTrick*
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
*checks Timeline*…
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work