Being a parent is just basically walking around the house saying, “Clean up this mess!” until everyone is crying.
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Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I鈥檝e got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
so this horse walks into a bar
Husband: you鈥檙e late
Me: would you believe me if I said it鈥檚 because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
I鈥檓 not saying I don鈥檛 miss my kids while I鈥檓 at work but it鈥檚 nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I鈥檓 there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
yeah but what if it 饾椂饾榾 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn鈥檛 like 饾槅饾椉饾槀
Me:
Remember when we didn鈥檛 have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won鈥檛 load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 馃槒 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.