I feverishly cleaned my whole house today because I don’t want to be judged by a 7 year old that’s coming over for a playdate with my daughter.
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[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST