My 2yo discovered pockets and is now competing with the squirrels to store more acorns before winter. I think he may win.
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It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
Danger is very dangerous
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
Same post same
6: are snakes just neck?
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…