My daughter told me I’m the strictest parent she knows (because she has a 10pm bedtime on a school day and isn’t allowed her phone overnight – she’s 14) – and I feel like I’m winning at life and taking it as a compliment 😊😊
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The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about