my kid’s doctor kit includes a stethoscope, an otoscope, a syringe, and like 9 dolphins
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Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
My wedding will be open casket.
I had to dig my first 3ft hole with a shovel that took hours just to plant a tree so I can indeed confirm I would never be able to bury a body.
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage