Well, I’m in the audience of a 6th grade orchestra concert, so technically I’m “fine,” but spiritually I’m on the edge of sanity.
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An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store